Regret is a painful, painful thing. And it is rare that you meet a mom, or even any person, who doesn’t have at least one big regret. As you read this, I’m sure something is coming to mind.
Why, though, does it sting so much??
Well, walk with me through my most recent parenting regret and then I’ll share what I have learned about regret.
I had an unforgettable experience this past week. I was able to witness the Northern Lights (for the first time!) while up in the mountains, on my way to the summit of a mountain. Lights danced across the wide open sky in every direction over the snow topped mountain around us.
It was incredible.
Where I live, we don’t typically get to see any Northern Lights, and definitely not this bright and big.
It was a once in a lifetime experience. And while my husband, oldest son & I soaked in every second of it that we could, at
home, my 4 other kids missed it all.
We had found out about this possibility of Aurora Borealis showing up that night, only hours before heading out and in our
mad rush to leave and get up the mountain we forgot to tell our kids to check the sky that night.
Even now, as I write this, I feel the sting… the guilt…. the sadness… the wishing… all the feels that come with regret.
I still cannot believe that they missed it all.
From everything I’ve learned over the past 5 years or so—I know why it stings.
And it is not because you did or did not do something you wish you had.
It stings because of all the stories you are telling yourself…
The same stories that I am telling myself… They may sound familiar.
They sound something like this…
I can’t believe I ________.
I wish I had (had not) _________.
They must be so disappointed (hurt/angry/sad) to have missed out on something so cool.
If I had just ______.
That was so selfish of me to forget to tell them.
I had the awesome experience and they missed it because of me.
I wanted them to have that cool experience.
I’m such a terrible mom.
I should have ______.
If only I could go back and _______.
The stories go on and on and on. And it feels awful.
This happens with any kind of regret.
Regret about yelling.
Regret for not teaching your kids something.
Regret for saying no when you wish you had said yes.
All the pain, and that sting, doesn’t come from that thing you did or didn’t do.
It comes from what you are telling yourself about it.
But that means you have the power to change that. To make it go away.
I regret not telling my sons about the Northern Lights.
And I’m not going to convince myself otherwise.
But I also know it is okay.
It is okay that it happened.
My kids are okay.
I am still a good mom.
And in order to move forward and do better, I have to let go of everything that comes with that regret.
As my husband has taught me the Japanese phrase, “Shikataganai” (she-caw-tuh-guh-nigh).
This means- it is what it is. Basically, oh well. It is letting go of what cannot be changed and instead focusing on
what you can change.
Is it easy? No.
And yes.
This past week every single time that regret creeped back up, for me, it came down to answering these three questions:
Do I like how I feel?
Why am I doing this to myself?
And, what can I do about it?
When I answered those questions, it shifted my focus.
I do not want to feel this way.
I will choose to stop dwelling on what could have been.
Instead, I will focus on the now. That is what I have control over.
It is in the now, that I get to decide what I do & who I want to be.
And regret will have no power over me anymore
You can do the same.
Free yourself of regret.
Stop telling yourself those stories and focus on now.
What’s next? What can you do?
