We already know he is better for those sacrifices, but could he do it now? This day? Is it a good day or a bad one? Is the weather good or bad?  So many questions of nervousness went through my mind as I drove through the rain to get to his meet. And it was raining when I got there.

At the same time, my 13 year old son who just lost one of his best friends is hurting.
And he’s trying to process that his friend is really gone.
I worry for him. I wonder what is going on in his head. If he’s okay…

Momm-ing is hard.
You feel so BIG for your kids.
You empathize with them. You imagine what they might be experiencing.
You feel it.

While it is a beautiful thing, it is also what gets you into a mess of emotions and makes you struggle.
Again with the ying and the yang… the 50-50 that life is.

So what do you do? How do you empathize and love on them without getting overwhelmed and overtaken by the emotions?

I don’t know all the answers, but what I do know is that what we focus on grows… what we think about causes and amplifies what we feel.

When your son is competing and you are nervous for them, do the same thing you want them to do…
FOCUS on what you know.  What you believe. What you want to happen.

You can totally feel what they feel but know, that it is what you make it mean that tears you up.

When you get nervous or worried about them, for whatever reason, you are focusing on the “bad.”  The things that might happen, how the might feel or be feeling, how disappointed or sad they might be if they don’t win or if they are hurting. Or how sad or disappointed or depressed they are or will be. Then you go on to what that means for their lives over the next few hours, days and even months & years.

Trust me, I know.  I have done that. Many times.

But what use is that to you when that is your focus?
That does not help them.

Here’s the trick—redirect your focus.
Turn it to helpful things.

Remember and think about their capabilities, their strengths, their resilience. 
Remind yourself that they have practiced and worked for this. That they know what to do.
Or that they have a support system, from you and others. That they are not alone.

And that you will be there whatever happens—good or ill—excited or disappointed. And they WILL be okay.

When you redirect your focus onto those things, your mind will take off finding solutions for how to be there for them no matter what, instead of focusing on the pain, disappointment or tears. You will not feel so helpless anymore. You will feel stronger and ready for what comes.

It is okay to feel what they feel, nervous, sad, disappointed, etc. But don’t get swallowed up in it.

I have conversations with myself, talking me through these harder things so that I don’t get caught up in the emotions of it all…

 “… he is sad, and I am sad that he is sad, but this is how we become and I am grateful I am able
to be here for him as he grows through this hard thing.  He is going to be okay.  He will be able to move forward.
And I’m here to love him & help him through it in whatever way I can.”

I know this doesn’t seem like an easy answer, but I know it works.

This weekend, at my son’s meet, I was not frazzled.  I was praying hard for him to do his absolute best, hoping that it meant qualifying for State, but I was mostly calm.  I was able to let go of what might happen and focus on what mattered most, what made me be a helpful mom. I was ready to cheer him on every step of the way.

And my son who lost his friend, I am praying for him too, but I’m just standing at the ready.  I’m available, I’m reaching out, I am hugging him and just letting him know I’m there. I am preparing for what I can do to help and not focusing on all the worry and pain that I could be. 

I am not perfect and it does creep in at times, but I’m feeling what comes, acknowledging it, thinking through it and then instead of weighing me down, I’m letting it motivate me to be available for my sons.

You can do the same.  You can do this!