We’ve been climbing through the snow for 7 hours… I’m moving slowly but moving.  4 steps. Stop. Take a few deep breaths. Take a few more steps… The nausea is overwhelming.  I can only make it 2-4 steps before I need to focus on breathing so I don’t throw up.  It would be bad to lose what little bit of food & water I had in me, this far up on the mountain, this late in the game.  So I continued in that manner.  2-3 steps. Breathe deep.  2-3 steps. Breathe again. I was exhausted. I felt so sick.  I struggled to breathe and the wind was relentless & biting cold.  But I wanted to summit.  I kept moving.  I would make it. I knew I still could. As it neared 5am I missed a step.  With my ice axe in one hand and the hiking pole in my other, they supported me as I placed one in the snow with each step I took. But then I missed the snow.  I had zoned out for a second and completely missed the snow, causing me to jolt-sort of waking me back up.  I thought I must have been so tired that I started to zone out.  I took another step or two and it happened again—jolting me awake. Twice is a little disconcerting. I was slipping in my mental awareness.  Not good.  A few more steps… and again—next thing I know I’m jolted back to consciousness again with another “missed” step. At this point I knew I was not falling asleep-something was not right. I was “blacking out” for split seconds.  I immediately dropped to my knees and hugged to the snow.  My husband looked back questioningly and concernedly and all I could do was shake my head and then lay it back down on my arms.

I couldn’t keep going.
I couldn’t stay conscious. 
I was unwell and it was unsafe being on a ridge in the snow and wind and only getting higher.

That’s when my husband told me we were done.
We were going down. Immediately.

I wanted to cry and the tiniest, logical part of me was grateful.
But that meant my husband would have to go down too.

It broke my heart that he couldn’t summit because of me—and yet it warmed my heart in such a degree that it is hard to explain. He would give up the summit, this close—only .5miles & 1,000 feet away—for me.

And so it was. After 7 hours of long, strenuous climbing and snow shoeing up 6,500 feet in elevation through the night, with only 0.5 mile to go & 1,000 feet to the summit—we turned around and started our very slow descent to find a place where I could finally feel better.

This wasn’t what I pictured. It wasn’t what I wanted.  The thought of not making it to the summit had not even crossed my mind as we embarked on this adventure.  It was crushing and even annoying.  Because I had been so sick, Most of the questions came later, when I felt better again physically.

WHY?  Why did that have to happen? Why couldn’t I have just made it?  Why after SO much work? What a waste of all that time and energy and work… What was it for?? Nothing. I didn’t even make it.

The thoughts came and continued to flow. But thankfully, because of all I have learned and studied over the past 7 years, the thought that also kept coming to mind was, “there must be something I needed to and will learn from this.”  And so I prayed that God would guide me to see what he wanted me to see.

I still don’t think I completely know what He wants me to learn from this experience but I know it will be good….

But for now, here is what I do know….

This is ME. There was nothing wrong with me being at the back, the entire way up.
there was nothing wrong with me counting 21 steps, stopping to breathe in 4 deep breaths and then continuing again in that manner to keep me moving and climbing that mountain.
I go at MY pace.  I go in MY path.  There are times where I want to follow others’ paths directly.
there are times where I don’t care and just want to move forward.

I don’t need to explain to anyone why I am me. I don’t need to have validation that they understand or that they don’t think less of me...This is ME.
God knows me.
He is with me.
And even when I begged Him to help me keep going and get to the Summit and He has other plans-He is still there. In the details. Never leaving.
And my husband is always there… Behind, in front or beside… he is there.

I had a plan.
I was summiting Mt Baker.
I had a guide and people to go with me.
I had a goal and a path planned out by that guide.
I did EVERYTHING right.

But it wasn’t right for ME.
It didn’t work for ME.

I needed to go back down to reset ME.
to give ME what I needed.
To regain clarity, energy and strength.

I was not ready (my vitamin b12 deficiency probably didn’t help with my oxygen levels).
I wanted to be.
I thought I was.
But maybe I went too soon or too fast.

Maybe I need to focus on healing ME and finding what is best for ME.
Before I move forward so drastically.

It might be the same for you.
Maybe you are moving too fast, doing too much. 
What do you need to do to focus on yourself and what you need?
How can you be you more? 
How can you reset?

Because then everything will work…
Everything will fall into place…
And you & I will finally summit that ‘mountain’ that we are climbing.
And you  & I will do it with strength, confidence and clarity.

Join me.
This is your adventure and you need to make it yours.

Here are great reminders for your journey:

I will listen to my heart.
I will take care of me.
I will trust my body and myself.
I will begin with more connection & understanding of myself and what I want.
And I will climb with clarity & confidence.

And then, nothing will stop me.