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Anger is what?

Posted on by c.coachingwithkimberly

Anger is a secondary emotion.
It is also used as a tool.
Anger is used to send a message.

We often refer to these moments in ways such as “losing it” or “snapping.”
What actually is happening is that you get to a point where you feel the need to deliver a message-
And that message is URGENT and CRITICAL!
You may not even be aware of the reasons for that urgency and importance.
But you feel it.
And you react.

I’ve been there. 
I know how it feels.
I actually did this yesterday…
And the ironic part is, that I yelled at my son “Stop yelling at me!”

I had been calm and he was not and my brain said “DO SOMETHING NOW!.”
I reacted. 
I felt the urgency to make sure he knew that I didn’t want to be yelled at.
But afterwards I realized how ridiculous it was to yell at someone to stop yelling at you.

Anger is a secondary emotion.
This means there is always another emotion you’ll feel first.
Last night, after my spat with my son I realized I was not angry.

I felt sad.

I knew my son was hurting.
He wanted me to understand what he was saying and I was trying SO hard but not getting it. 
He thought I wasn’t even trying.  He was hurt because he thought that I didn’t care.

And as I got frustrated and angry- he felt less loved.

So being aware of that feeling building up inside- the urgency- is key!
It is possible to feel that urgency but to ignore it and deliver a message without the anger.
You can use your words in a much more effective & kind way to deliver the same message.

And your successes will increase.
You will be more of the person you want to be.

You will become more like the ideal you.
Step by step.

The tools I have learned will help you change this.
I am not perfect but I used to lose my cool. A lot.
I felt so helpless and out of control.
I didn’t know how to stop it.

But now- I am aware.
And I have tools that help me.
I have become so much better at communicating without the anger.

I can help you do the same.

Message me if you want to learn more.
We’ll set you up to talk with me and see if I’m a good fit for you.

It’s a free call- There’s nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

I hear this all the time..

Posted on by c.coachingwithkimberly
“Dreaming can be so disappointing and depressing.”

OR

“I’m too busy to dream.”

As a mom, everyday life happens.

Days blow by and the new months and years sneak up on us.

We go through the motions and get into a routine.

We go, go, go.

And yet because of all this, we actually STOP.

Life gets hard and things don’t go how we thought they would.

Finances are tight.

Pandemics happen.

Children require time, energy and money.

The list goes on.

Eventually, dreaming is either not even a thought for you, or it becomes a painful thing.

I’m here to tell you that dreaming and knowing what you want is vital.

If you do not know what you want, you will have nothing to aim for, nothing to look forward to.

Can you imagine what Christmas Eve and Christmas would be like if children just got depressed because they thought their parents or Santa was not going to get them what they asked for?

Dreams open your eyes. 
Dreams excite. 
Dreams encourage.
Dreams inspire creativity.
Dreams motivate.

And as you dream & work towards your dreams, life has life again.
But if we don’t dream, we don’t get anywhere.

So what are we afraid of?

Feelings.
That’s right. We are afraid of feelings.

Feelings like:

Disappointment.

Sadness.

Frustration.

And failure.

So, here is the life hack for dreaming.

Learn to be okay feeling those feelings.
Accept that you might end up feeling them.

But you also may not feel them.

You may work and dream and never get there but find out that you actually love where you ended up.

Or, you might reach your dreams.

Either way, is some disappointment or frustration or even failure worth the fun and excitement of dreaming?
My answer is a resounding yes.
It wasn’t always that way, but things can change.

So try this experiment for me:
If you could drop all possibilities of disappointment, failure and frustration, what would you be so excited to think about one day having or doing?? 
If there was no way to fail, what would you dream about and aim for??

Give it a try.
I dare you.

Take 10 minutes of your day and sit alone (preferably in a quiet place) and let yourself dream.

See if you can get it to make you smile.

Then work for it!

There will be a shift in your life and in your days. 

Your dreams bring the life back into your life.
If you need any help with this I’ve got awesome resources and exercises to help you be able to dream again. 
I can help you believe in those dreams and achieve them.

Message me if you’d like some help. I’d love to work with you!

Strength Training for Your Mind

Posted on by c.coachingwithkimberly

Do you ever feel weighed down by negative emotions? As humans, we experience negative emotions daily.  Sometimes, you may just feel annoyed by a family member. Other times you may feel emotions that are more weighty like inadequacy, shame, or depression.
 

This morning during my workout I realized, experiencing negative emotions is a lot like working out with weights. 

In order for weight training to be successful you need a few things:
        the weights (the opposition)
        knowledge of what to do with the weights (how to use them)
        familiarity (ease of use)
        desire & an end goal (the reason you keep going)

When done properly, weight training will make you stronger without damaging your muscles.  They can still hurt and get tired, however, your muscles will be able to handle what you require them to do.  They will continually get stronger and handle the weights better and better.

Any athlete who weight trains experiences discomfort. They have moments where they aren’t sure they want to continue. But their focus and their faith in what it will create for the future version of themselves gets them through.

Our negative emotions are the same.  When we understand the purpose of experiencing the negative emotions, we can better navigate through them.  And when we know what to do with them, we can actually be strengthened.  We still can hurt or experience fatigue.  Those emotions do not disappear, but we are able to handle what comes.  We grow and become stronger.  

You may wonder but how? How can I actually move through this pressure? Or this shame? Or this sadness?

Facing those emotions may seem daunting.

It’s okay.  We are meant to feel all these different things.  Nothing is wrong with you and you are not alone.

The great news is, that there is a way to grow from them instead of retreating or collapsing from their weight.  I promise.  You can learn how.

Life can be so much better, even with these uncomfortable emotions.

I can show you how.

Emotions are Visitors with a Message

Posted on by c.coachingwithkimberly

As part of being human, we experience emotions(feelings) all the time. No one is exempt.

Learning how to handle our emotions is important aspect of being a functional human being. It is expected of a young child to possibly throw a fit, lash out in anger, or break down in tears because something did not go their way. However, the older we get, the more we have learned about behavior and controlling our emotions.

Emotions are often hard to control, not because of what happens to us but because many people do not even understand what is actually causing their emotions.

Did you know that your thoughts are the reason for how you feel?

Counter to what people think, situations (what happens in our life) and/or people do not cause us to feel a certain way.  Nothing and no one cause us to feel a certain way. Ever.

Our thoughts are actually the cause.

Our thoughts fuel our emotions! This is key to understanding our emotions and how to handle them.

Here is an example:

Grape flavored candy (SOMETHING)

My feeling: Disgusted

Grape flavored candy (SOMETHING)

My son’s feeling: Excited

If something (in this example, the grape flavored candy) can CAUSE how I feel, how can it cause me to feel disgusted and also cause my son to feel excited??

Can you see it? It is our thoughts (or you could say, our opinion) about grape flavored candy that caused the feeling of disgust or excitement, not the candy itself.

So if our thoughts cause our feelings, it is no wonder we can feel many emotions throughout our life and even in one day!  We think approximately 6,000 thoughts a day!

This is so helpful to know because our emotions are just visitors with a message. If our thoughts create our emotions, then we can more easily track down the thought when we are feeling a certain way.

Your feelings(emotions) are an amazing tool! As you become aware of your feelings and recognize them as a message or clue for what is going on internally, you will make so much progress!

How quickly do you respond to text messages or messages of any kind?? You probably respond pretty fast, especially if it is your best friend! Your emotions are constantly sending you messages but they are being left unread.

Reconnect with yourself. 

How are you feeling right now? What is your brain and body trying to tell you? Take a look at those messages.

As you do, you will handle your emotions better because you will understand them, you will understand you better.

Who are you when dealing with difficult circumstances?

Posted on by c.coachingwithkimberly

"It is the trials of life that make you humble and make you strong." -Marjorie Pay Hinckley

On Monday I ran 6 miles on a local trail without an ankle brace.  It was a big deal.

I had been physically unable to for almost 10 months.

Last August, I was playing chair soccer with my boys and husband in our front yard when I rolled my ankle and completely tore my anterior talofibular ligament on my ankle.

The prescription for healing it without surgery was:
* wear a boot for 8 weeks day and night, with the first 4 weeks no weight bearing
* then, wear an ankle brace 24-7 for 4 more weeks
*after, gradually increase running and exercise weekly
*and finally decrease the use of the ankle brace each week following

When my doctor explained this to me, all I could think was “Why did this happen!?! And why now?”

We still had 2 ½ weeks of summer.  I had a half marathon race scheduled 2 weeks later and a Spartan Race scheduled 6 months later.  I was training and in the best shape I had ever been. I also had a 2-year-old to chase around, weekly church activities, a family to cook meals for and drive around, etc., etc., etc. The list of reasons that life was going to be awful continued on and on.

I followed the instructions yet in December my ligament was still completely torn. And so, I was scheduled to have surgery to repair the ligament and my full recovery was at least 4 more months away.

Why do I tell you all this?

Life is full of things like this on all kinds of levels. Things happen that we do not understand.  Things happen that we wish had not. And we question, “Why did this happen?” or “why did this happen now?”

We cannot change what happened, but we can change our thinking about what happened. 
Changing our thoughts about our situation is like seeing other perspectives.

Don’t get me wrong though. It also is not just a matter of thinking positively. It is not getting rid of all negative emotions. But it is choosing how you do want to feel even though the circumstance is something you cannot change.

In the beginning, when I first was injured, all I could see was all the miserable things that the injury would mean for me.  However, I realized that my ligament was torn. That was a fact.  But my life being miserable was not a fact. 

I also knew that I did not want to be miserable until my ligament healed. And I knew that it was an option.

As I pushed aside my questioning and misery I was able to see things in a different light.
I learned so much.  I grew.

When others served my family and I for months bringing dinners, driving my children to and from places and watching my kids I learned about humility and gratitude.
I became more determined than ever that I would not lose my muscle gains and progress in my physical fitness.
I realized I was mentally stronger and more capable than I thought.
I learned patience.
I became more grateful for my body and what it is usually capable of.
I spent more time with my kids because there was not much else that I could do.

The list goes on and on.

When we recognize that we have control over how we see our circumstances and what we make of them, we can improve our life even during difficult or unwanted circumstances.  That is available to you in any aspect of your life.

God knows you and loves you.  He knows what these difficulties and struggles can do for you.

If we move forward, trusting in God and striving to see things in a different light, we will grow.  We will benefit from the “hard” and the “miserable” things and we will feel better throughout them instead of just enduring them.  We better show up how we want to be.

My experience of going from a highly active lifestyle to not being able to even walk for weeks and extremely limited physical activities for 10 months could have truly been miserable.  Instead, I was able to learn, grow and find things to focus on that got me through and kept me emotionally strong and stable.

Changing our thinking without changing our circumstance will take practice.

So, when life throws at you an unpleasant circumstance, start with curiosity.  Take a look at what options you have available to you of how to think about it. How can I create this into something beneficial?  What can I learn from this? What small things might be good here? What am I grateful for right now?

You get to choose anything you want to think, and sometimes that may not be positive and that is okay.  The point is that you get to choose it.

You are in control of you, your thoughts, how you feel and how you show up. Nobody else can change those things.  Isn’t that awesome??

Have you ever experienced a time when things were difficult, but you were able to get
through from a healthy and strong place emotionally? What did you do differently?

What Happened While it Was Raining

Posted on by c.coachingwithkimberly

It’s springtime in the Pacific Northwest and that means it is finally Soccer Season.  What that also means is a lot of soaking wet kids, coaches, and parents at many windy, wet practices and games.

Today, as we drove up to practice the energy in the car was electric.  My boys were excited- it was the first practice of the season where it was raining (which is rare here!). Five minutes into practice the clouds relaxed and let it all out, drenching the kids in 3 minutes.

Even from sitting in the car, the laughter, energy, and joy there was hard to ignore.  Many kids threw off their coats and ran around playing in their short sleeve shirts. My 8 year old begged to go join them so I let him go.

As I watched them, I thought about perspectives. There are what seem like, an infinite number of perspectives on everything in our lives.  It fascinates me that what some may find as exhilarating, others may find depressing. The rain is a perfect example of that.

Rain comes a lot here in the Pacific NW.  Many people here deal with depression due to the high percentage of overcast and rainy days.  When we moved here, my in-laws, knowing that I grew up in sunny southern California, were concerned for my health. 

However, overcast days, and especially rainy days, bring a feeling of happiness to me that is hard to describe. The clouds and rain fill my heart and refresh my soul.  A good walk or run in the rain can do wonders for me.  Breathing in the fresh, clean scent of the rain brings a smile to my face every time.

But how?!  How can that possibly be?? If rain and overcast skies cause so much depression, how can it have such a polar opposite effect on others?

I find it fascinating.

My friends, that is possible because what we choose to think about the rain is what creates the reality of it for each of us individually…

Again, what we choose to think about the rain is what creates the reality of it for each of us individually.

If it’s a choice, why do we choose to focus so much on the negative things?

What if, instead, we embraced it?

OR if embracing it is too uncomfortable, what if we just searched for something good in it?

There is light that can come, even among what we may consider negative situations or circumstances. 

I think it’s important to recognize that we don’t need to always change our perspective.  But what would it be like if we took the time to try to see other perspectives?

What kind of opportunities would it open up for us if we took the time to find what small things may be good about what we see as negative?

Maybe those rainy days in our lives would become just a little less dark.
Maybe we could see that there are other opportunities for us.
Maybe we could notice those rainy days as ones to take better care of ourselves.
Maybe we could see that the rain can cleanse us.
Maybe we would see that the rain promotes growth.

While I don’t know exactly what you might see, I do know you could see new things. New perspectives. New possibilities.

Give it a try.

You don’t need to change. You don’t need to love the rain. 

But just take a moment to look up. Take a moment to look around.

What good can you can see in your life while it is raining?

You Can Become Who You Want

Posted on by c.coachingwithkimberly

The other day, as I stood watering my raspberry plants, I noticed how stark of a difference there was between the plants. Many of my raspberry plants are stunted.  They are in pots of varying sizes which have limited their resources for nutrients, their space for growth, and their depth for solid and strong roots. My raspberry plants are only 6-8 inches tall and produce about 5 berries each, while the plants that grew in the ground are 5 feet tall with many berries. The contrast of sizes and production of fruit is striking. These stunted raspberries are alive, healthy and doing what they can but they aren’t reaching their potential.

As I noticed this, I saw myself.  I saw us.

We, like these raspberry plants, are planted in places that can either limit our growth, or encourage it. But we have even more control than we realize.  While I have chosen where to plant my raspberries, we choose where to plant ourselves.

Do we plant ourselves in a small, medium or large pot? Or no pot at all?

We make that choice.

We choose how we think about ourselves.

We choose if we are capable or not.

We choose what to feed ourselves physically, mentally & emotionally.
 
Why do we “plant” ourselves in the different sizes of pots, or in any pots at all? Why do we hold ourselves back? Why don’t we step outside of our comfort zone? Why is it that we need assurance of results before working towards a goal?

Do we tell ourselves that it is safer that way? Or better for us? Do we convince ourselves it is only temporary?

Take a moment to think about it.

What would it be like if you chose to believe in yourself?  Imagine the freedom.  Imagine the growth.  Imagine the joy that would come from giving yourself space to be YOU.

You could become who you dream of becoming.

Wouldn’t that feel amazing?

The only limits that exist are the ones you set for yourself.

You are amazing and have something to offer the world. You are uniquely you and with that, you have a light only you can share. The good news is that only you can stop you.

So what are you going to choose for yourself?

Courage

Posted on by c.coachingwithkimberly

COURAGE.

Just think about that word for a moment.

What comes to mind? Who do you picture? What are they like?

What is courage? Can we only have courage with the absence of fear? Often we think that is true and necessary. But that is a lie.

The word courage is derived from the Old French word corage, which means “heart (as the seat of emotions),” hence “spirit, temperament, state or frame of mind.”

Emotions and thoughts are powerful. Fear comes from our thoughts of things but so does courage.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines courage as, “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand [to remain undamaged or unaffected by] danger, fear, or difficulty.”

Isn’t that beautiful?

We often picture courage with images or ideals of someone strong and fearless.

True courage is facing something even though you are afraid. Courage is doing something that is difficult. Courage is facing the unknown and moving forward anyway. Courage is taking that next step knowing you might fail.

Courage has strength. Courage can conquer. Courage can change.

Is there something you are struggling with right now?
Are you finding yourself feeling overwhelmed?
Is there something you want to change and just don’t know how? Have you already tried?
Do you feel like you have failed?

We all experience these things in life. I do too. We are human. And that’s okay.

Is fear paralyzing you? What is holding you back?

I have fears. But this year I have realized I can still have courage.

So, I’m stepping up. I’m starting something new. I’m embracing courage.

I’m embracing my fear.
I’m breaking free and you can do the same.

Who wants to join me?
What is it that you are going to embrace, face or accomplish with courage AND fear?